Am I Lazy or Autistic? The Simple Reframe That Took My Client from 'Lazy' to 'Strategic’
**tl;dr (too long, didn’t read…) at the bottom for those who need it.
So, my client - she came to me with a lifetime of evidence for her laziness.
Groceries door dashed instead of planning, then going to the shops. Voice memo texts instead of typing her replies. Canteen lunches instead of packed lunches. Ordering takeout more than she "should."
She rattled off each example like she was building a case against herself. And in her mind, the verdict was already in: lazy. Failing. Not good enough.
But here's the thing about evidence - it doesn't interpret itself. The same facts can tell completely different stories depending on the lens you're looking through.
And she'd been looking through the wrong lens her entire life.
The Lens You've Been Handed
If you're a late-diagnosed autistic woman, I'd bet money you've been doing the same thing.
Not because you're doing it wrong. But because it's the only lens anyone ever gave you.
Think about it. From childhood, you learned to see your differences as deficits. Your need for alone time? Antisocial. Your food preferences? Picky. Your honest communication? Rude. Your routines? Rigid. Your accommodations? Lazy.
You've spent decades collecting evidence against yourself, never realizing that every single piece of "proof" could tell a completely different story if you just changed the lens.
What She Was Actually Doing
When my client listed her evidence of laziness, here's what she saw:
Through HER lens:
Cutting corners
Being lazy
Failing at basic adulting
Proof she "just can't hack it"
Through MY lens:
Managing limited energy
Using available tools
Making practical choices
Adapting to her actual capacity
Being SMART
Same behaviors. Totally different story.
Let me break it down:
Door dashed groceries? She was conserving energy strategically so she could actually be present with her daughter after school instead of collapsing from sensory overload at the supermarket. That's not lazy - that's brilliant resource management.
Voice memo texts? She was working WITH her brain instead of against it. Typed communication requires organizing thoughts, editing for tone, masking natural communication patterns. Voice memos let her just... be herself. Efficiently.
Canteen lunches? She was choosing connection time with her kid over performative sandwich-making that would leave her too burnt out to actually engage when her daughter got home. That's not corner-cutting - that's priorities.
She wasn't being lazy. She was being resourceful.
She wasn't failing at adulting. She was finally listening to her actual needs instead of following some arbitrary rulebook written for someone else's nervous system.
Why You Can't Just "Think Positive"
Look, I know what you might be thinking: "Okay, but if it's that simple, why haven't I already done this?"
Because the "wrong" lens isn't just sitting there, passively waiting to be picked up. It's been actively handed to you, reinforced over and over, and you've been punished every time you tried to put it down.
You learned it from:
Parents who called you lazy when you were actually burnt out
Teachers who punished your "selective" attention (which was actually intense focus on things that interested you)
Friends who called you flaky when you cancelled plans (because you were managing limited social energy)
Partners who said you weren't trying when you couldn't mask anymore
Yourself, because you internalized all of it until their voice became your inner voice
The wrong lens isn't a mistake you made. It's a survival strategy that stopped working.
Let Me Show You What I Mean
Here are some behaviors you're probably judging yourself for right now:
Ordering takeout all the time
Wrong lens: Lazy, can't adult properly, should be able to meal plan like everyone else
Right lens: Managing executive function challenges and sensory overwhelm around food prep
Cancelling social plans
Wrong lens: Flaky, bad friend, can't commit to anything
Right lens: Actually recognizing your capacity limits before hitting complete burnout (which is honestly impressive self-awareness)
Using shortcuts, templates, delivery services
Wrong lens: Cutting corners, taking the easy way out, not really trying
Right lens: Working efficiently within real energy constraints, like a smart person would
Not responding to texts immediately
Wrong lens: Rude, doesn't care about people, bad at relationships
Right lens: Processing communication at a pace that doesn't completely drain you
Wearing the same comfortable clothes repeatedly
Wrong lens: Lazy, doesn't care about appearance, has given up
Right lens: Accommodating sensory needs and reducing decision fatigue so you have brain space for things that actually matter
Letting household tasks pile up
Wrong lens: Messy, can't keep up with basic life stuff, failing
Right lens: Prioritizing limited energy for what's genuinely important instead of performing productivity
See the pattern? The "wrong" lens interprets autistic adaptations as character flaws. The "right" lens sees them as intelligent responses to real differences in how your brain works.
How to Actually Shift the Lens
Okay, so how do you start seeing yourself differently after decades of the wrong lens?
First, let me be clear: this isn't about positive thinking or affirmations or "just love yourself." This is about accurate thinking. It's about seeing what's actually there instead of what you've been taught to see.
Catch yourself mid-judgment
When you notice yourself thinking "I'm so lazy" or "I'm such a failure at this," just... pause. You've identified the wrong lens at work. That's actually the hardest part, and you just did it.
Ask one question: What if I'm not broken?
Seriously. What if this behavior isn't a character flaw but an adaptation? What actual need might you be meeting? What are you conserving energy for? What are you accommodating?
Try the reframe
Instead of "I'm lazy because I use grocery delivery," try: "I'm managing my sensory capacity so I have energy for the things I actually care about."
It might feel weird at first. That's normal. You're learning a new language.
Be patient with yourself
You've been looking through the wrong lens for years, maybe your whole life. The shift isn't going to happen overnight, and that's okay. You're literally rewiring decades of internalized messaging.
Find people who already see you clearly
This is huge. Get yourself around therapists, friends, or communities who already see you through the right lens. Their vision helps you learn to see yourself accurately. (And honestly, it's nice to just be seen correctly for once.)
Everything Changes When You Shift the Lens
My client spent her entire life collecting evidence of her laziness.
But the evidence was never the problem. The lens was.
When she finally shifted it - when she started seeing her behaviors as adaptations instead of failures - everything changed.
Not because she suddenly became a different person. She was always this person.
She just finally started seeing herself clearly.
The lens you look through matters. It determines whether you see failure or adaptation. Laziness or intelligence. Weakness or self-knowledge.
You've just been looking through the wrong lens.
What changes when you shift it?
Want Help Shifting Your Lens?
Understanding your autism changes everything. My free Post-Diagnosis Guide helps you actually know yourself - so you can stop the shame spiral and start making sense of it all.
Download the Post-Diagnosis Guide
The TL;DR (too long, didn’t read…)
…for those of us that want the info, but don’t have the time or capacity to read the entire blog…
My autistic client called herself lazy for using grocery delivery, voice memo texts, and canteen lunches. Through her lens: cutting corners and failing at adulting. Through my lens: strategic energy management and working WITH her brain. Same behaviors, completely different story. The lens you look through matters - and if you're a late-diagnosed autistic woman, you've probably been looking through the wrong one your entire life. Here's how to shift it (sorry, you’ll need to quickly scroll up - just a smidge - and read the ‘How to Actually Shift the Lens’ section for this). Won’t take long, I promise ;)