The Secret to STOP Hitting Breaking Point
**tl;dr (too long, didn’t read…) at the bottom for those who need it.
Take a second and be honest with yourself: How depleted are you? Not the "I'm fine, just busy" version you tell everyone else. The real answer.
If you're like most ADHD and autistic women I work with, the answer is: you’re doing far worse than you want to admit.
But Why? Because Your Nervous System Is Like a Bank Account
When you have capacity — energy, bandwidth, ability to cope — that's money in the bank. When demands come in, those are withdrawals.
Right now? You're not just overdrawn. You're deep in the red.
School holidays are looming. Christmas is coming. Everyone needs something from you…all the time, and every. damn. day. The demands keep rising, and your capacity has run completely dry.
Here's the critical difference: When your bank account is overdrawn, payments bounce. There's a safety mechanism that says "no more."
But when your nervous system is overdrawn? There's no automatic shutoff. The depletion just keeps growing. You keep withdrawing from an account that's been empty for months, maybe years.
The Mistake Everyone Makes
So what do we hear when we're at this point?
"You need to practice self-care." "Try a relaxing bath." "Make sure you're resting."
And look, self-care isn't bad. Rest is important.
But here's the mistake: a bubble bath is not going to bring your nervous system back into the green.
You cannot self-care your way out of structural overwhelm.
When you're this depleted, surface-level self-care strategies are like trying to bail out a sinking ship with a teaspoon. They might feel nice for 20 minutes, but they're not addressing the real problem:
The demands on your life exceed your capacity to meet them. And that gap keeps widening. (And not to make things worse, but when that gap gets too big, well that’s when words like “burnout” get thrown around).
What Actually Works (And Why It's Uncomfortable)
The real answer requires a slower, more uncomfortable approach. It’s about easing that demand load and rebuilding your nervous system’s capacity (we want money in your bank…account).
So, the question isn't "how can I squeeze in more rest?"
The question is: "How can I start — slowly, in tolerable ways — to actually share some of this demand load?"
And immediately, the objections come up:
"My partner won't do it right."
"My kids are struggling too."
"Everything will fall apart."
"It's easier to just do it myself."
But here's the truth: your current capacity is so low that "easier to do it myself" is keeping you trapped.
You're not being efficient. You're being conditioned.
Conditioned to believe:
Your standards are the only acceptable ones
Other people's incompetence is your responsibility
Asking for help is harder than doing everything yourself
You're the only one keeping everything from falling apart
Maybe things would fall apart if you stopped. But can I tell you what I see in my practice?
Things are already falling apart. The thing falling apart is you.
What's Actually Blocking You?
Get specific. What's keeping you from sharing the load?
Unwilling helpers? Partners who've learned that if they do it badly enough, you'll take over?
Other neurodivergent family members? And you've become the nervous system regulator for everyone?
Perfectionism? A deep fear that if it's not done your way, disaster will strike?
Too depleted to delegate? Teaching someone else requires energy you don't have?
Until you identify what's actually blocking you, you'll stay stuck in this cycle.
The Map You're Missing
Here's the other piece most women don't realize:
You don't actually understand your own nervous system.
Trying to manage it without understanding how it works is like reading a map that's upside down, in a language you don't speak, in a country you've never visited. To build capacity back up, you need to know:
How and where you feel dysregulation
Body exhausted? Brain’s gone MIA? Headache? Dissociation? Feel wired?
What makes it worse
Certain sounds, lights, people, times of day?
What actually improves it (not what "should" work)
Maybe meditation makes it worse but walking helps
Maybe you need deep pressure or you need space
When your warning light is on
Irritability? Can’t think clearly? Crying easily? Numbness? Headaches?
Catching yourself here, before you hit the wall, is crucial
When you need to slam on the brakes
What does full dysregulation feel like for you?
What do you need in those moments?
Why Don't We Know This?
Most women I work with don't know these things about themselves.
Not because they're not self-aware. But because they've spent decades pushing through, masking, meeting everyone else's needs while ignoring their own signals. You've been told you're "too sensitive," you "overreact," you "need to try harder." So you learned to override your body's signals. To function while dysregulated because that was the only option.
And now your nervous system's warning signals are so muted, so chronically activated, that you can't hear them anymore.
You've lost fluency in your own body's language.
Where the Real Work Begins
This is not your fault. But it is where the work begins. Not with doing more. Not with managing better. Not with finding the "right" productivity hack.
But with learning to speak your nervous system's language again.
This is slow work. Unsexy work. It means:
Observing your patterns without judgment
Setting boundaries that feel uncomfortable (but do-able)
Letting some balls drop
Disappointing people
Redistributing demands even when you're convinced it will be a disaster
It means accepting that you can't keep running on empty and expecting different results.
The Slow Climb Back
Getting your nervous system back into the green doesn't happen overnight.
It's a slow accumulation of small deposits:
One boundary held
One task delegated (even imperfectly)
One moment where you noticed dysregulation early and responded
One demand removed
One time you said "I can't take this on"
These feel impossibly small when you're staring at a massive deficit. But they compound.
And one day, you'll notice: you have a buffer. A moment where you felt stressed but didn't spiral. A day where you were tired but not shattered.
That's capacity building.
You Deserve Better
Your nervous system deserves better than running on empty indefinitely.
The work to get there starts with:
Identifying where you actually are
Understanding what your body is trying to tell you
Making the uncomfortable changes that surface-level self-care will never touch
Not easy. But necessary. And absolutely possible.
Ready to start understanding your own nervous system patterns? Head to my Contact page.
The TL;DR (too long, didn’t read…)
…for those of us that want the info, but don’t have the time or capacity to read the entire blog…
Your nervous system is like a bank account - and you're not just overdrawn, you're deep in the red. The demands on your life exceed your capacity to meet them, and that gap keeps widening.
Here's the mistake everyone makes: trying to self-care their way out of structural overwhelm. A bubble bath isn't going to restore capacity when you're this depleted. It's like bailing out a sinking ship with a teaspoon.
What actually works is slower and more uncomfortable:
Redistribute the demand load - even imperfectly, even when you're convinced others won't do it right, even when it feels harder than just doing it yourself
Learn your nervous system's language - understand how and where you feel dysregulation, what makes it worse, what actually helps, and what your warning signals are
Make small, consistent deposits - one boundary held, one task delegated, one moment where you caught dysregulation early and responded
This isn't quick. It's unsexy work. It means letting balls drop, disappointing people, and making changes that feel uncomfortable. But it's the only thing that actually rebuilds capacity instead of just managing depletion better.
You've lost fluency in your own body's language from years of pushing through. Getting it back is where the real work begins - and where breaking the cycle becomes possible.